Stuck

AM I ALONE? HAVE YOU EVER FELT STUCK? AS IF THERE IS NO UP OR DOWN BUT JUST HERE AND NOW AND THINGS WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LIFE!! HAVE YOU? PLEASE TELL ME, I’M NOT ALONE… TELL ME YOU’VE BEEN HERE TOO!

Up to this point, I haven’t come out and spoken to you. But now I am. Sometimes when I speak I feel it’s too much for one individual to take in so if you feel this is too heavy or hard for you to read please close the browser or move on to another blog. Continue on with your day as if you never seen this BUT if you’ve been here, felt this way – please leave me a comment and give me some light because right now I’m reaching, stretching out my hand to say “GOD, HELP ME!” and I feel stuck!

I’ve been stagnant too long and I keep holding on waiting for better days, keeping my faith and praying and begging and praying and begging for a change and then I wake up and I’m in the same place with the same people with the same bills and the same stress and the same loneliness. With no one to help me and I feel stuck. Stuck, stuck, just stuck!

I feel like I can’t really talk to anyone because it’s too much for them to hear, too much for them to bear, too much for them because I’m right here, just too near. So I walk through my days, trying not to feel depressed, trying not to cry, trying not to argue, trying not to blow up with my emotions because I’m trying to remain positive and strong and keep my faith. But tonight, tonight I feel I lost the battle. Tonight the tears are too near, wanting to fall from no where, no real reason, no specific thing except…

FRUSTRATION, UNHAPPINESS, BITTERNESS, RESENTMENT, LONELINESS, FINANCIAL HARDSHIP…

And even as I write this I feel ungrateful, like I’m focused on all the wrong things but right now I can’t see any positives, I don’t see any pluses, I don’t see any movements, I don’t see any progress, I don’t see any light!

I do have positives though: I have a roof over my head, I have food in my fridge, I have a part time job, I have a vehicle, I have my kids! But I’m stagnant. I’ve had these things for the last 10 years. Will I be here forever? Will I never progress? Will I never be fulfilled? Will I never surpass the exceptions of my poverty based off of my skin and my upbringing? Will I follow in my mom’s footsteps and only know struggles? Will I forever be financially strapped even though I have made my goal of saving 5,000 dollars? Whats the point of saving when you have bill collectors still calling?

I feel stuck! I don’t want to be stuck so how can I change it? Because a wise man once told me, if you don’t like your circumstances, the only way to fix it is for YOU to change it? So where do I begin? Well I’m starting here, at my blog, something I’ve been pouring my heart into over the past year. Please tell me I’m not alone, that you’ve experienced this feeling and there is light at the end of the tunnel? Oh yes, let me let you know what has caused this panic… I’m pregnant again with baby number 5 and I have no financial support…. I’m scared I won’t be able to provide and not have my kids follow the history of poverty if I don’t make a change and make it soon….

So please tell me, I’m not stuck…. Major blessings is coming my way, just gotta keep faith…. PLEASE

God Willing….

Every Child is Different

I have 4 beautiful children but man are they like night and day! My 1st son is very energetic, a joker, athletic and knows nothing about how serious life can be. He was diagnosed with ADHD in 2014 and I don’t know if I believe in it. But he definitely is a handful.

My 2nd child was a girl so already you know they would be different. She is an actress, very inquistive, learns very quickly and strives to be perfect at everything she does. She loves school where my 1st child hated it. She will willingly read and write but her older brother refuses to participate in things like that most of the times.

My 3rd child was another girl and although she looks very similar to her older sister, thats where the similarities end. She is more cautious around people, quiet and reserved. She likes to copy her sister but she isn’t attention seeking like her older sister. She would be perfectly happy with some food and an electronic. She really likes Youtube or Paw Patrol and PJ Masks.

My 4th child is a boy and he is just 10 months old so its hard to say what his future personality will be like but right now he is a ray of sunshine on dark days. Anyone who is around him has to smile. He likes to play but he is also very calm and willingly to snuggle any time of day. He was diagnosed with G6PD at a little over a month old and there were times I thought I was going to lose him. Doctors complained that he wasn’t gaining weight the way he should be and we were constantly at doctors appointments, doing bloodwork etc.. This little boy has already had 4 blood draws, an echocardiogram, and an abdominal ultrasound done all before he was 6 months old.  It got to the point, I couldn’t do it anymore and I said “Enough is Enough” and  stopped going to the doctors and just lived with him. He is now 10 months, the doctor wants him to go for another blood draw so we will be doing that soon but I had to trust my instincts and take his life into my own hands. I was studying his blood tests instead of listening to doctors and today he is a beautiful healthy baby boy and I’m happy. Oh and he is great at micmiking sounds, if he’s sisters are crying or making some type of noise he will stretch to see them and then you will hear him making the same noise. Boy, does he make me laugh.

Anyhow those are my 4 children. All so different but all amazing even when they are driving me insane!

GOD BLESS

The Hard of Hearing Hole!

When I had my 1st son he was born with something in my family we call, “The hard of hearing hole”. It’s a hole that is at the top of the ear where the ear and face connect. I rebuked all that nonsense and said, “Nope, my child is going to be an angel.” Well, unfortunately so far that hasn’t turned out to be true but I’m determined to change it however my window of opportunity gets smaller every day. My son will be 12 this year and by the time he graduates middle school, Mommy won’t have any more influence on the things he says or does. So if I don’t teach him as much as I can within the next two years, only God knows what will become of him.

So this “Hard of Hearing Hole” has definitely become true and apparently it is my curse! My 1st son has a different father from the rest of his siblings and since all my kids have been born with this hole, obviously it comes from me. (Insert sad face here lol). I think I listened and was a good kid, well overall I was. Yes, I had a bit of a mouth but I wasn’t out of control with it. Anyways, My son does not listen! I find myself being a broken record, having to repeat things over and over before he budges. It’s so frustrating as a parent because I know what I’m asking him isn’t unreasonable. Plus he likes to bother his sisters, which makes the household noisier and I hate noise.
Recently, I’ve been finding myself becoming my parents repeating all the sayings we grew up with:

1) Don’t speak unless spoken to (Meaning: Don’t speak unless asked a question) – This should stop the “Backtalk”.
2) Respect your elders – This should provide the respecting authority, being mindful of adults around you
3) You want me to give you something to cry for – This should stop the whining and toughen the kids up
4) If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all – This should cause them to think before they speak and therefore stop any rude talk
5) Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you – I know this one is from the bible but regardless of your religion this is true! Treat others the way you want to be treated.

At this point, I might die from too much talking because if my son is the example of my other 3, please someone help me! Anyways this hole is actually called preauricular sinus and cyst. They claim that less than 5% of the world’s population has it but yet all 4 of my kids have it.

Do you know anyone that has this or am I the first person you’ve met that has kids with this abnormality?

God Willing

Spring Forward!

I was sitting down breastfeeding and decided to look at the time to see how long my little boy drank for. The clock said 1:58 am, damn! It’s so late and I’m still up as usual. The next time I checked the clock it said 3:08 am I was like WHAT?!?! Did I fall asleep? And then it dawned on me that we must have sprung forward. Usually when there is a time change, everyone is talking about it, saying “don’t forget to change your clocks at 2 am”. This time it was a silently creeper or maybe I just don’t talk to people as much as I used to. Nevertheless, I was caught off guard and I truly missed that one hour of sleep!

So now that the time has changed, it’s time for me to tackle my place with some deep spring cleaning and what a perfect time since my son is home for March break he can help do some little things. Regardless of how little, help is help and I’m always grateful for help.

For me, spring brings hope! Also my birthday and my late twin’s birthday. This year it will definitely be weird not having him around but I’m still going to wish him a happy birthday wherever he may be celebrating it. I don’t know if he is in his forever sleep waiting for judgement day or roaming the streets in spirit for but wherever he is I hope he can hear me say Happy 33rd birthday! I miss you! Will he hear those words, I don’t know I can only hope. Anyways we were spring babies so March is a very big month for me.

I’m springing forward with lots of hopes and dreams this year and I’m staying focused on my plans so next year this time I can say, “I DID IT!!!”

Does Spring mean anything to you? If so, Please share….

God Willing

Shut Eye

I just want to get some shut-eye… Meaning go to sleep. The girls are gone to their aunties and here I am at home. This never happens! So I need to take advantage of it. I wanted to finish talking to you and then go to bed but I guess our conversation will have to continue at a later time as my eyes are not following instructions.

I’ve fallen into this horrible pattern of not sleeping until 7am right after I wake my son for school. The girls will sleep until 12pm so I still get in a good 5 hours. The baby will wake up at around 9am and then 12pm so I will feed at 9am in the side lying down position and then right back to bed we go. It’s a bad habit as then the girls are up until 2/3am every night and I don’t like that. I want us either up at 8/9am so I’m trying to work on that. However, without the girls being here to push my energy levels I’m not making it past 2am today. Which I’m okay with because it is well-needed sleep. Sweet dreams everyone!

God Willing 

90th Birthday

If this was Biblical times, 90 would be considered a teenager but unfortunately it’s not. Today is my late grandma’s 90th birthday and although she never made to see today, Wednesday February 28th, 2018 is considered to me to be her special day.

Unfortunately my grandma died when she was 62 years old I was only 5 at the time but I remember her funeral like it was yesterday. They buried her in the backyard of their home in Jamaica and when her husband died 3 yrs later, he was buried right beside her.  I can remember the funeral because my father jumped into the grave on top of the casket and all I remember thinking is No, Daddy! I don’t want to lose my daddy! People got him out but it hurt to see him in such pain. He loved his mother and she had such an amazing heart, I know why. I just wished she had a few more years but cancer is definitely a dangerous killer and it took her very fast.

Regardless of all that I want to remember her as the woman who sat me on the porch and taught me how to peel the peas with her (our bonding time). I miss her or at least the thoughts I have  of her.

Please join me in wishing my grandmother, “Happy 90th birthday! Until we meet again!”

God Willing 

The 6 Week Change

It was 7 weeks ago that I gave birth to an 8 lbs 15 oz little boy who had no name. Up until he was 6 weeks old the only noise I ever heard from him was cries and burps otherwise you wouldn’t even know a baby was there. Finally last week I heard a different noise.

It was so light that I wasn’t even sure I heard right then I heard it again and I was like I think that’s a coo. I don’t remember even paying attention to when my kids starting making noise before but this time I did and my son had his first coo at 6 weeks of age!

It’s so funny how these little things can make you be like awww. So let’s ignore the fact that he was just crying for the last hour or the fact that he woke up earlier than expected for another feeding disturbing my well needed slumber and let’s just focus on  his “coo” – AWWWWW.

Today he cooed at me again and I had to share it with you guys. He is now at the point where he knows when he is alone and doesn’t want to let people out of his sight. He smiles those big toothless, full of gum smiles and then coos at me, how can I not forget the fact that I want to sleep when he is holding an amazing conversation with me that I can’t understand but still appreciate nonetheless.

Babies… These moments disappear too fast and don’t last in our memory banks because I can’t remember the first time my first 3 kids cooed and smiled at me. I will try to keep this memory.

God Willing

Hands Tied

Hands tied behind my back
It’s her birthday
But a present I lack
I want to just run away
But that outcome makes me look so slack

Today, my precious baby turns two
And I’m acting as if this is something new
Sitting here just feeling blue
Luckily, she has no clue

Hands tied! My hands are tied too tight
This life! This life is just not right
I’m so tired, I can’t even put up a fight
But trust me, this is bringing the darkness to light

So happy birthday to a little girl
Who brightens up my life and means the world
I may not have a gift this year
But I’ll forever be your ear

Tightly wrapping my hands around you like the clothes you wear
Happy Birthday to you, my dear!

God Willing

 

The Cleaning Maid

I either wake up before everyone and pick out the girls’ clothes for daycare or I pick it out the night before. That is usually the start or finish to my day. I don’t get up to make breakfast because they are either making it to daycare in time for breakfast or they are making it there in time for lunch meaning they slept in real late. This is great for now but as of February I will no longer have this luxury.

I feel like the maid!!!!! Is it wrong for me to get upset? Is it my bad attitude to feel frustrated over the mess? I clean today and by tonight I’m going to bed embarrassed by how my place looks but too tired to tackle it. I get up in the morning and I’m back at cleaning it again. At this rate, I might as well throw in the towel and just buy a maid outfit! I will sleep until about 11am (Not going to bed until almost 6am most nights) and then I’m up even though I do try to take naps throughout the day. I get up and start at my little apartment right away. My son always talks about how clean our apartment was before our family grew, its so frustrating because my house feels cluttered and I can’t think straight when the place is a wreck!

Every morning the first thing I do is tackle the washroom! Make sure the only stuff around the tub is what needs to be there. I won’t clean the tub or the toilet until weekend but I still make sure it looks decent.  I wipe down the toilet seat every morning with clorox wipes. Then the sink! Let me explain, the washroom is my “non-talking” boyfriend’s sanctuary, he sits in there for hours on end and unless you bang down the door saying you need it, he won’t come out. So papers, pens, lighters, basically anything you can think of ends up surrounding my poor little sink and guess what? I’m the lucky individual that gets to clean it all up and then wipe down the sink. Arrange everything and wipe down the mirrors. I change the garbage and I leave the washroom alone but honestly there is still so much work to be done in there. The medicine cabinet needs cleaning and organizing. It has 3 shelves and I only utilize the top one so I’ve cleaned that but the other two… well, I’m waiting to be told when I can wipe down those. The cupboard under the sink is stacked with hair and facial products that we don’t use. I hate to throw them out as some are full bottles but they are taking up space I could be using for something else. So I have to clean down there and I’ve been avoiding it saying “out of sight, out of mind“.

Next, I do the hallway and the entrance way along with the stairs. Why or how it gets messy throughout the night is beyond my understanding. Mirrors have to get wiped and I’ll call it a day at that point. Then it’s the storage/baby room. This is where I usually am however the kids come in, jump on the bed and have no respect whatsoever for what I have on the bed. I move whatever I can out, sweep and then I move what should be in there back, make up the bed and I’m done in there. By this time it’s about 2:30pm and I haven’t started the dining  room, living room or kitchen as yet. By 5pm I’m just finishing with the kitchen and the dining room is done.

However I’ve now neglected the living room and the two bedrooms and if I try to get those done, it will cut into my time for bathing the kids and dinner etc. So I’m left with my house still being messy, me not doing anything but cleaning and feeling exhausted by the time the girls get back in. It’s life though isn’t it? Especially once you have a family that has outgrown the size of your apartment? You are bound to run out of space and things never being as organized as it was when it was just you, right? Should I be getting frustrated though or should I be embracing it? At least this way, I know the place is being tended to on a regular basis and I sweep everyday plus mop once a week so I should be content no? So why am I not? Because I don’t have the pretty little organized apartment where every item has a home anymore? Am I being petty? Maybe I’m just not moving fast enough…. I’m sure I will eventually figure it out, it’s only been 2 weeks since I’ve given birth, I need to relax and give myself time, right?

The saying is “Cleanliness is close to Godliness” so the place being cleaned is one thing but what about de-cluttering? How do I do that when I’m worried that I might throw something out and then a month from now need it again? Should I just bite the bullet and do it anyways? How does one deal with de-cluttering? I truly believe that’s my issue plus having to teach the kids to pick up after themselves and then maybe I won’t have to buy myself a maid outfit.

Any suggestions would help!

GOD WILLING

 

First days of Breastfeeding

I’m now officially a mother of 4! Yes, I was calling myself that from time because I considered myself a mother of 4 once I was pregnant with the 4th but we know anything can happen during pregnancy and delivery that could have unfortunately changed that outcome but thankfully nothing did.

So I’m a mother of 4!!! I thought I would have fallen into depression or be stressed by now but my baby is 6 days old today and it’s definitely more work, more talking, less rest time but then again when did I ever have rest time? It’s okay. I guess it’s true when my friend told me after you have 3 kids adding more doesn’t make much difference… HAHAHA it’s only been 6 days – let me not count my chickens before they hatch!

Internet pic

When I had my first son, breastfeeding was a nightmare! In the hospital everything was good but once I was discharged and home, my breasts got sore and I went weeks not wanting to breastfeed but keeping at it. I had the cracked, scabby, bleeding nipples that every mother dreads. How I got through that time to continue on with breastfeeding, I don’t remember but somehow I did.

With my  2nd child, 7 years after my first, I made sure to go to a lactating class as I didn’t want the sore nipples again. It actually made a world of a difference. I learned about the different breastfeeding techniques and how the mouth should be formed and the biggest lesson of all was BREASTFEEDING SHOULD HAVE NO PAIN! I left there feeling like a champ and I never experienced any scabs or pain. I also received a nursing pillow and I MADE SURE to put that to use lol.

With  my 3rd child, I once again attended a class to see if I would learn anything new especially since this was  a different hospital. The lessons were the same and I had no issues with breastfeeding.

Now I have baby #4 and the game has changed. I didn’t attend a class because I already knew what they were going to teach however this baby was born with having his tongue-tied (I never had experience with this). The pediatrician that seen my son said not to worry about it however my son’s tongue tie went right to the front of his tongue so he had absolutely no stretch to it. I still went ahead and breastfed however before his first 24 hours was up, my breasts had started bleeding, right there in the hospital!

I was devastated and had to wait until the late afternoon before they would follow my request to cut the tie. I ended up having to give him the ready-made Similac formula that the hospital has. For the first week of his life I would have to give him a bottle once a day to help give my breasts a break.

I walked around with no shirt on letting my breasts be exposed as I couldn’t take anything rubbing against the nipples. Plus they say air drying helps to heal them. I would express milk and cover the nipples to help. I couldn’t find my lano. cream which was a disappointment. It’s been 6 days and my nipples are healing. I still play the “tug away” game but it’s getting better. The tugaway game is when a mother goes to let the baby latch but pulls away at the last-minute because she doesn’t want to feel the painful latch. Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt but latching onto sore nipples, sure does!

Otherwise baby and mom seem to be doing well. Good luck to me!

GOD WILLING